The day ended as I turned the light off in the bedroom and I tossed and turned and nuzzled my way into that perfect position or so I thought to only realize that my mind was going on another adventure to a world of clutter to a person's clutter in ones house and the difference of the clutter within it is not at all different then just that. Clutter
At the beginning of a new day I rise to wake to only realize that the pile of clothes that I had left in the corner is still there staring right back at me. To only say that I will get to you in a minute. To then walk down the hallway where I turn into the bathroom to stare at the mirror and say "seriously take a look at yourself your pitiful" to only soak it up and get ready for the day the best that I can. As I walk back out of the bedroom, passing by the pile of clothes which I added several new items to the pile after trying to find something to wear, to only realize that in the kitchen the dishes that are left in the sink from last nights dinner.
Though there are moments of cleaning house do we really clean house or do we do the minimal to one's eyes can see. To only go back to the cycle of the clutter and get into a routine of doing a half fast job of cleaning house.
As I embarked on the adventure my mind and deep within me, I realized that maybe the two where connected in more ways than one. Maybe one's pile of clothes that is sitting in a corner waiting to be put in its proper place is as the talk in the mirror was a reflection of the clothes in the corner and the dishes in the sink.
Taking care of one's body is to taking care of one's home they are both the same. To really feel nourished, taken care of, healthy is at times stressful. The stress of trying to look a certain way not feeling beautiful … unattractive. For awhile I felt I was beautiful and attractive but at this moment I don't, I had let go of myself. No matter the constant compliment that others give it doesn't ring truth from within. What happened? How I once felt beautiful it feels like a fix and not truth. I lost the rhythm of the song of truth as each word changes to clutter clutter clutter ugly ugly ugly fat fat fat gross gross gross...This is what is constantly in my mind though deep within I can feel the struggle of the truth trying to fight it's way to the top to overflow and radiate within ... out. I get one step forward of hearing that truth to only get pushed back, fall down and I just want to give up the fight at times. Why is that? It’s so much easier to give in and not fight back. Have you ever felt weak and no strength in any fiber of your being?
As one may think that they have no strength, I am being reminded of my strength which is in God, it comes from Him The Lord Almighty.
As I have been in this place of clutter this season...There is a picture perfect image staring at me as I enter my home...
The dishes piled, the table as if it were a place to hold onto all things except dinner, the bathroom with hair products on the counter, the towels waiting to be placed properly in there storage place, the bedroom one shirt after the other in several piles; some even color coded awaiting to be picked up, yet they only get picked up to be tried on to be taken off to only be thrown on the bed or in the opposite direction of the washing machine.
The word that is becoming louder in my head as I can see the word becoming Bolder and LARGER...ASK!!
Ask, What? "Heather you can't get this clutter cleaned up on your own, your needing help" SO I begin to wonder what that may look like, I could easily go and ask Ben for help and his help would be appreciated, but I have this tendency of when he does help, I go back over what he did, realizing that he placed something not its proper place, well the place that I believe to be its proper place. Why is that? Why do we tend to think that it can only be done one way only? We are two individuals yet still in the process of becoming one reminding oneself that we have different ways of doing things. We are still in the early stages of marriage haven't yet the year mark, but close...It comes with communication and understanding and speaking to one another with a loving heart and not a nagging heart.
Another thought is that I don't want to bother him (although I know I am not a bother, it's a thought that runs through my mind). So at times I don't even Ask him in fear of rejection. So I hide behind this fear, fear of rejection, and never to give him the opportunity to answer the question, Will you help me clean up this clutter?
It's at this moment I am asking the wrong person to help me clean up this clutter, remove the clutter, and even seed the clutter. I can't just clear away or clear off the clutter that is just removing from one's sight and not truly removing or disposing of the clutter.
This clutter I speak of is believing the lies of ugliness, not letting go, not confessing, blaming, gossiping, not forgiving, being selfish, getting my wants and not my needs.
I run to the Lord the one who will help me replace the lies of ugliness with truth that he finds me beautiful, He uses others to tell me I am beautiful. To let go and place before His feet, to not pick up. To confess to strip the pieces of clothing that is weighing me and not freeing me, the clothing that is as an elastic band cutting off circulation. To really walk blameless to not passing the blames on others and owning my blame. To remind one self not to gossip, to treat others as you would want to be treated. Giving the gift of Forgiveness as I was given. To not be selfish, share and give, to not hold up for one's self. To know that the wants are not what I am needing...
The Need is the One and Only By my side, The One of who Paid it All, The One That has Forgiven, The One Who is My Beloved, The One Who has Redeemed Me, Delivered Me...The One That Continues to Pursue me and Call Me Beautiful.
Lord Almighty I sit here crying out to be filled with the truth. To be filled with certainty of who You see me as and no other. Lord as well I sit here to be blanketed with protection and the help to drive out the ugly lies that I have listened to and have held onto instead of never picking those lies. Lord I lay down at your feet the lies that I have held onto for the past few months. Lord I know with you here I can do anything.
Lord Almighty, help me dispose of the seeds of lies that have been placed within, not just from sight but seed (remove) those lies and replace with seeds of Truth.
I ask you this, what are the things that Clutter your home, your heart?